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You Should’ve Seen it Coming

It’s impossible to think that you didn’t see what was going to be an inevitable disaster. Like a boulder breaking through a historic landmark, or a tsunami ruining a beautiful city that’s kind of what happened to our loving 10 year (almost) relationship. Somewhere along the roles we played for each other no longer fit the roles we wanted each other to play. Whether it being the loving housewife that would cook and have the house looking spickety clean and giving you all the emotional and physical loving you needed or me just wanting someone to want to want to spend time with me. In each of our minds it didn’t seem like we were asking much, and to others they’d probably see it the same way. Efforts were put forward and experiments attempting to find common ground failed in most part from the other person not feeling appreciated or showing content for that effort being made. You can only pretend to be happy for so long until your body reminds you that your feelings matter too. In my case in extreme episodes of anxiety/panic attacks. I honestly never thought we’d end up here, everything seemed pretty figured out. All the things I wanted from our relationship I got when I left it: social, family and friends etc. But, I still have this feeling that something is missing and I think it’s the loving connection to another human being. I guess they say be careful what you wish for…But I am gone now and my life has been working out pretty good, I can’t really complain because I’ve had nothing but good opportunities come my way. So is this a sign that everything was supposed to turn out the way it did? That’s a hard truth to swallow. I know I’m not in charge, and that wherever I am in life is because God has chosen to put me here. I keep thinking in the future we will find each other again, because the love is still there and I haven’t gotten over you and I probably never will. This might be an opportunity for us to grow in different ways and appreciate who we really are for each other, or maybe this just means we’re better off as friends. Still all hard things to accept and take in, but all I can keep doing is take it day by day. So for now I will make sure I take this pill with a meal and full glass to avoid the negative side effects of somethings that supposed to be better. This is a heart to heart to you my dear love. I’ll always be there when you need me to be, but for now I have to be here for me until we cross paths again. I’ll always love you, even when you don’t believe me.

-Love,

Your C.

Song of the moment “Wait” by M83.

Forest

I wake up and hear the birds chirping in the morning.

This time it’s not our fancy HomePod alarm waking us up to start what usually would’ve been an unpleasant 20 minute commute to work – which I did for you…

No. Instead the birdies are coming from outside my room in my parents house. Not our home. They wake me up in the morning and remind me to relax.

I get up and get to work and when it’s time I take the dog out. At this point walking outside my head is in the clouds. I look up as my dog walks in zig zags at the trees and focus on the sound of them moving back and fourth. The playlist I play is usually relaxed..love songs…that put me in a mood where I’m chill, calm and eventually by the end feeling like I want to shed a tear. Like this song by James Bay – Let It Go with words like “why don’t you be you and I’ll be me” playing through my ears.

I found myself crying out of nowhere last week. I’m not sure where it came from but I know deep inside it had something to do with you. You are the root. A seed I planted. A living thing I poured everything into. In the end a new season came and you wilted away.

I have this connection to you. I don’t think it will ever go away. You showed me to appreciate a lot of things you probably thought I didn’t care for. Like decorating our apartment to look nice or to even love plants. You gave me things that I’m going to take with me forever. Again and always I will love you.

But this is a new week and I don’t want to cry no more.

What do you want? What do I want?

Dear P,

We had a connection that lasted about a month. We talked everyday, Facetimed all the time and you even texted me to see what I was up to. Then you disappeared to focus on yourself… and the funny thing is I don’t even think you were lying – it’s not like we met one time and that was it. You didn’t pull a J…

Now you say you want to find something more and something with meaning. You tell me your dreams of having a family and a son to call your own. This seems to be a recurring theme in the men of substance of I meet… And once again I have to break hearts and say it’s not my dream. I don’t want kids and I’m not so sure I want marriage. I just want my freedom. Everyones told me for years I’ll get over it, but that’s just it. It HAS been years and I’ve still not changed my mind. My grandma even recommended I freeze my eggs after telling me my dad was disappointed I wasn’t going to make him a grandfather.

I’m only 30..at least for a couple more months. Who knows if I will ever change, but I’m ok not being a parent. I’m ok not being married. I’m ok having the option to do anything. All positives… I still miss Mr.10 years though.

I found when we separated I started having new experiences and it was fun, but it would’ve been better sharing it with someone else. I thought you were my person and I frankly still can’t imagine anyone else filling your shoes because you are still my love and in my heart irreplaceable. I stopped texting you so much so I can let go. Scrolling through Instagrams, YouTube and TikToks some messages seemed to make sense. I can’t move on and be who I’m supposed to be if I keep hanging on to you, if I keep showing I care, if I go into a new relationship thinking I need to be someones emotional person, if I keep putting you first even when were not even together. Even when you haven’t texted me one time to make sure I was ok in this whole year we’ve been apart.

I guess I’ll find my person once I find myself...Or maybe I am my person?

Song of the moment – MK – “17”

Recovery, but When?

The pain of you

still stings.

Your replacements have failed.

They just keep leading me back to you.

When I close my eyes at night

all I see is you moved on.

Is it true?

Have you moved on?

The sting before the tear drops

gets me every time.

In my mind I still love you.

But why doesn’t my heart feel anything?

Why don’t I feel like I want to go back?

Why don’t I feel anything at all sometimes?

Do I just miss our life?

Is it depression?

Did you let it win? You said you wouldn’t let it, but you did.

I did too. It was too strong.

Is that why my heart has been numb for so many years?

Will I ever feel anything anymore? Do I need a pill to recover?

I don’t want it.

I DON’T WANT IT!

It has been almost a year.

When will I recover from this loss?

Somedays I am ok and feel I’ve moved on.

But when I dream at night and wake up

All I do is cry from seeing you moved on

With everything you’ve ever wanted

But without me.

What does this all mean?

-No song of the day.

No Title

You ever watch a movie or read a passage and you instantly became motivated or inspired to write something of your own. I guess that’s where this post is coming from.

First off – thanks to the people who happen to pass by my blog. It’s really a journal for my thoughts to fall into…

I feel like sometimes I’m on two end of an extreme. On one hand I found myself trying to constantly be busy. I guess that’s what they say you should do after a breakup. But, it can be so exhausting and that’s exactly where I FOUND MYSELF. Tired of running around. Tired of avoiding that feeling. Overall exhausted. And on the other end as a result of my tireless effort to not feel pain or like I constantly need to do something I stopped moving. I found myself having more days where I said to myself, “I’m tired. I don’t want to do anything. For what? I want to just relax”.

Frankie says “RELLAAAXXXX”

In this process I’ve learned it’s okay to be still. To not have deadlines. To not try to get everything I can compacted into the two days I have “off”. And to not always have to make plans after work for the sake of feeling like I did something other than sit in-front of a computer screen.

I’m far from healed. I have good days and I have bad days. But, I am still here. Trying.

This COVID-19 crisis is scary. I reached out to you my love and you actually responded. It wasn’t a one word goodbye response. It was more. Maybe it’s because of circumstances, but after it I cried because I know I still love you, but I’m not ready to come back to you and I know you’re not ready to receive me…

I met someone..P. He’s not too far off from someone I used to know. I can tell he has a lot of hurt from the way he talks to me. I’m not sure I should really be taking it. But, I know it’s not me and I did nothing wrong. He seems nice but I don’t think he’s for me. I also don’t want to give up. Maybe we can be friends. It’s not everyday you meet someone you can talk with for 5 hours at a time or fall asleep on the phone with. That has to mean something right? Or maybe I should stop trying to make something out of nothing and listen to the words when you said, “Not everything is a sign”.

Be safe. To my love and to the man.. I’m not sure what I’d do without you both.

Song of the moment: Dario G – Sunchyme

You Taught Me Something

I can move on.

And so can you.

S gave me passion.

T gave me affection.

You gave me love.

They say go out and experience different people when your young or out of a relationship and I see why. But, I still love you. You are home. You are all I ever wanted. I’m sorry I left.

Sometimes when you love something you just have to set it free.

I hope your out there experiencing what you like and what you don’t like.

Maybe one day you will find out you still like me too.

Song of the moment – Coldplay “Trouble

Bittersweet

I guess everyone serves a purpose. Down to the most menial interactions. It doesn’t have to be long and it doesn’t have to be quick, but people cross paths because they were meant to. It was planned out. Everywhere your supposed to be someone already knew. Two steps ahead and your one step back. Just accept it. That fact will never change.

Sweetface used me.

He made me an insecure teenager all over again. Obsessing and wondering all about him. Judging myself about if I did something wrong. One night of semi-passion was not worth it. You threw me away. 2 months down the drain. What a waste of an investment. You got what you needed from me I guess and I got what I needed from you. I think you made it easier for me not to think about my last 10 years. Made it easier to see you in my dreams instead of him. But somewhere along the way you got too powerful and I became too invested. You were a rebound that I foolishly thought would turn into something of substance. I spoke truth and my feelings into you. You didn’t acknowledge it. It felt like heartbreak all over again. That pain in your chest…that physical feeling that your heart is literally breaking.

This is a hard lesson but maybe one everyone needs to go through it.

You can eventually move on and get over some one. Even if they were supposed to be the love of your life.

Sometimes you do need a distraction.

It’s okay to make mistakes.

Love your self. Acknowledge them. Grow. Move on. Keep Living. Life goes on and so will you. Time doesn’t stand still it keeps going and you have to too. ❤

-Music – meditation

Sweetface

I gave him a try. Like I said he seemed nice. His kisses were electric. I think it’s the first time I truly felt something powerful. It was lust. I gave him a try. I said no to sex. He never wrote back. Another heart break. But at least I didn’t love him…and I was strong enough to at least get back in the world. I’m still not ready because I still love you…

Fuck Swiping

I threw myself at you. Twice, and you told me everything will be alright. WFT? You were supposed to be my soulmate?

Dating now is fucking crazy. I can’t believe how much has changed in 10 years. I tried dating apps for about two weeks. I find that once I’ve found someone on there I feel pressured to find another. My thumb got sore with all the swiping. I was at work yesterday and all I kept doing for a good half of the day was look at my dating apps to see who responded to my messages. The kicker? No one. And the ones I was talking to took their sweet time engaging with me. I don’t know but I like immediate responses when I text people.

Then and there I decided to delete these apps. What was I looking for? Some sort of instant gratification I guess. And I had been on a date with someone from the app earlier and found out I’m not even ready to start dating so what the fuck am I doing! So goodbye Hinge. Goodbye Coffee Meets Bagels. I don’t need you.

I’ve decided to practice some self love instead. MIND.BODY.SOUL. It’s all going to start tomorrow with me getting a haircut. I know your wondering what’s that even going to do? But, it’s going to be me getting something I want, not something someone else wants me to do. Nice and SHORT. I’m not going to tolerate people convincing me to grow my hair long because they think I’ll look “cute”. I know they mean it out of love but I am a 30 year old who is independent and smart, and “cute” is not something I care to be described as. I’m going to travel the world and take Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or Krav Maga. I’m going to do something that I want, for myself for a change and live and breathe in it and enjoy it. I spent all my life taking care of other people and letting their problems be mine to a point where I developed secondary PTSD and no more. My body told me enough is enough. Thank you body. I love you. Even if the side effects sucked.

People keep telling me that I am free. That if they were me and didn’t have a man or kids that they’d pick up and travel the world. What does that say about their own relationships?

I went to Italy before with him. One of the most spectacular places I’d ever been and he didn’t even want to hold my hand in public or walk beside me. He said it was for my safety so we weren’t targets. That’s the type of person I was with for 10 years, someone who was afraid to live. What I’m trying to say is I’ve already travelled alone before…I just want someone that wants to actually enjoy it with me. But, God’s plan is his own and I know when the times right he will bring someone in my life who wants me for me and I will just hang tight until then and just keep swimming just keep swimming.

Song of the day – Fergie – “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

Lyrics that resonate with me today: Drake – “God’s Plan”

“God’s plan, God’s plan
I hold back, sometimes I won’t, yuh
I feel good, sometimes I don’t, ay, don’t”

10

I had my first date in 10 years today.

I’m not sure how to feel except I know deep down I’m not ready to start dating again. He was nice, even sweet sometimes. Handsome, nerdy, awkward and short and too touchy for my liking but deep down I can tell he was a nice person. He used a lot of “you’ll see when you meet them” in talking about his family in our conversations which lasted 3 hours. Oh how forward. Already planning vacations and meeting the parents over our overpriced dessert and coffee and third wheel gentlemen who sat behind me trying to convince to purchase low cost airline flights .

10 years of memories… 10 years waking up next to you. 10 years of watching you sleep…10 years watching you grow…10 years being your rock…10 years loving you…10 years being my soul….

10 years is not wiped out on 1 date with a stranger.

Even though this is progress I still feel like crying. I feel like crying just writing that line. I miss you. I don’t know if you miss me anymore. I feel like calling you to check up on you to make sure everything is okay, but I know you’ll just find it annoying and irritating. You don’t like talking to me anymore…truth is you stopped talking to me long before we ended it though.

I wonder at what point do I accept it’s over and move forward? What is the magic number that will tell me how long it will take to get over you? At what point will it be normal to have a day where I don’t think about you? Because at this point your the first person I think about when I wake up and last person I think about when I go to sleep…

-C

“No song of the day”.

Do You Think of Me?

It seemed at times you were doing fine without me. You looked good. Took care of your appearance, while I let how I felt on the inside show on the outside for a total of five months. I remember when I went to move my stuff out of the house. I thought it was going to be amicable. I thought it was going to be respectful and we’d each just say goodbye in a positive way.

That’s not what happened.

A little blue shit of a car was parked in a driveway in what could only be driven by a woman. I saw her laundry bin..thinking whose this bitch using my washer machine. It came to our house shiny and new. I showed the men to our basement and watched them install my new baby. Coming from having to go to laundromats my whole life this was a big deal. I asked you to come stand hold my hand and admire our new basement piece. But you didn’t do it because you didn’t get it. So I went and had my moment alone.

My blood started to boil. You didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. You stood there peering out of the blinds to see when we’d be leaving. You didn’t even show your face. Coward. I packed my things and even left some belongings because I knew you’d want it or I knew your brother would need it and as I drove away I thought why did I do that? I always put you first.

This is the problem.

I put you first for everything. I think this was one of the marbles in the bag that forced our relationship to burst. I told you I couldn’t handle anyones stress and you didn’t care. You said “what about me?”. I couldn’t believe it. I was pouring my heart out from being overwhelmed and all you thought about were your own feelings… After I left that house I called you and yelled and what happened is what always happens and in the end I said “sorry”. I always apologize, take back what I really feel just to not hurt you. It’s like I’m a sucker for your crying where I just can’t handle it. My body warned me to put myself first this past July and that’s what I did, but the side effects still have a hold on me. I think about you all the time, but it sounds like your just doing fine without me and I can’t help but feel hurt… It’s only when I call to yell I can tell your as sad as me….

Song playing – “White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton

Sincerely,

Me